Q: I have created a very difficult dilemma for
myself. Janet and I [names changed] have been married 22 years and
have two teenage kids. We met in college, and I thought about her
all the time, fascinated with her mind and knocked out by her
looks. Over time, as we have evolved into co-parents and
responsibility sharers, I now realize that we are no longer very
interesting to one another.
A jolt of awareness hit me a few weeks ago when I found myself
kissing Sandy, a fellow attorney at the large firm where I work.
This happened at an after-work social gathering at a moment when
we'd both had a lot to drink; Sandy was the initiator, but I didn't
run away. Things have gone no further physically, but since that
event I keep thinking about Sandy. We work in the same office, and
we both keep looking at each other. She is a sharp lawyer and
talented athlete who is full of enthusiasm and very unhappy in her
own marriage. Janet, on the other hand, though she was a star in
college, left her career when she became a mother (not at my
behest), and more recently has given up golf, a former passion, and
barely leaves the house. She seems more anxious and distant these
days, now that the kids are more independent.
I feel quite guilty about my attraction to Sandy, but the fact
is that the feelings I'm having toward her are a lot like what I
once felt for Janet. I want to shake myself and get real - I know a
divorce would be awful for everyone, but the marital status quo
feels like just going through the motions.
A:You're not alone in finding it tempting to
respond to an amorous advance from an attractive member of the
opposite sex. I'm sure that feeling desirable after all these years
was exciting and provided a boost to your self-esteem. And as you
say, it highlighted a reality that you had been avoiding, that your
marital relationship has become not only less stimulating, but more
distant.
Of course, it is almost inevitable that a marriage of over 20
years is not going to elicit the same kind of feel-good brain
chemicals as a new flirtation. But, ideally, a long-term committed
relationship is equally rewarding, in different ways, based on
factors including shared history and family mission, knowing each
other's genuine (vs. public) selves, and a more profound sense of
attachment. There's no way of predicting where things will go with
Sandy, if you choose that avenue, but let's be honest - what are
the chances that you'll both feel the same way after the
infatuation wears off (which it does), and that your relationship
would survive dual divorces, the reactions of two sets of kids, and
the gradual infusion of real life, as each of you begins to notice
the other's flaws and limitations.
Ultimately, you may decide to leave the marriage (not
necessarily for Sandy). But since you've put years into it, raised
kids together and are feeling guilty, perhaps this moment is a
wake-up call to address the gulf that has developed between you and
Janet. Do you think she feels good about having withdrawn from
career, activities and connections? Is her detachment partly a
function of the years when you likely put much of your energy into
the world of professional competition, a world which tends not to
value awareness of feelings? It sounds, by the way, as if she may
be suffering from depression - unless her attentions, too, have
turned elsewhere.
Perhaps the most constructive response to your current dilemma
would be to turn toward Janet, and begin to recognize and address
the marital issues with her. It will probably be useful for the two
of you to enter both individual and couple therapy. At LCL, we can
help you put together an action plan, including appropriate
resources to sort out your mixed feelings about Janet and about
Sandy. Maybe you will be able to re-invigorate your marriage; even
if not, better to think through and work through your choices than
to act on impulse.
Dr. Jeff Fortgang is a licensed psychologist and
licensed alcohol and drug counselor on staff at Lawyers Concerned
for Lawyers of Massachusetts, where he and his colleagues provide
confidential consultation to lawyers and law students, and offer
presentations on subjects related to the lives of lawyers. Q&A
questions are either actual letters/emails or paraphrased and
disguised concerns expressed by individuals seeking LCL's
assistance.