Q: After law school on the West Coast, I returned to work at a
firm in the Boston area, where I was raised, partly to please my
parents in Andover. That move has turned out to be more problematic
than I anticipated, and I'm a bit at a loss as to where I go from
here.
The culture at the Boston firm is very different from what I
experienced at firms where I worked during law school. I was placed
in a department that has little overlap with my actual interests
and values, and it seems that the expectations are that (a) I
should already know everything I thought I'd be learning, and (b)
no matter how deluged I am, each assigned task is a priority and
should be done very soon and flawlessly. Other associates are in
more or less the same boat, and it helps a bit to commiserate with
them (when we can find the time), but I have to say that I dread
Mondays. There is almost no time for social life or fun, and I feel
kind of lost and disappointed in my career.
I have been thinking of going back to the West Coast, where
there may be a job for me (albeit, less well paid) at a firm I know
from law school, and where, in addition, I can be near my
boyfriend, who teaches in that area. But this brings up another
issue, which is that my parents, who are well educated but born
abroad and still oriented to a different culture, are applying
considerable pressure for me to stay near them, anchored to family.
I love them dearly and hate to let them down, but I don't want to
let myself down either.
A: In essence, you are experiencing culture clash in two
settings, and feeling trapped in the middle. On the professional
front, you are in a culture that values and rewards the
pressure-cooker life of the driven associate at a large firm (which
is about as enjoyable and nurturing as the life of a medical
resident working 36-hour shifts, but better paid). But that life
tends to undervalue human needs and leaves you veering far from the
goals that drew you to law school. At the same time, you are caught
in a bind between following your own wishes (for relationship and
lifestyle) and the expectations of your family's culture of origin,
in which filial obligation is paramount.
When it comes to work, it's possible that you would be happier
in the West Coast setting you mention, though it's also possible
that the geographical move will not change your reactions to the
kinds of pressures placed on associates. You might want to consider
meeting with a therapist and/or lawyer-career coach familiar with
"lawyer culture" to work on ways to set boundaries that permit
somewhat better life balance, assert yourself with partners in a
way that does not backfire, and find the kind of mentoring you need
but are not getting. Over time, you could also seek avenues to
reconnect with your sense of career mission and gradually develop a
plan to move in that direction. (More fulfilling kinds of work
might entail a drop in income, but you have not mentioned large
financial demands as one of the demands you face.)
Finding a balance between your parents' expectations and your
own needs can be quite a challenge. We live in a society that tends
to emphasize the needs of children over those of their parents, and
in that context it would seem too great a sacrifice for you to stay
in Boston solely to avoiding ruffling family feathers. But it is
also important to take in account how you yourself will feel in the
long term about a major move - whether you'll be subject to guilt
and, if so, how you will cope with that, or whether you will often
wish you were not so far away (e.g., if things don't go smoothly
with your boyfriend, or as your parents age). If you decide to seek
the help of a therapist, finding one familiar with your family's
culture might be valuable (and LCL is glad to help you in the
process of exploring options). You have the right to make your own
decisions. After you take time to think them through, taking your
feelings into account, and to talk these issues over with someone
who is supportive but objective, a path may emerge that is
promising on both career and personal levels.
Dr. Jeff Fortgang is a licensed psychologist and
licensed alcohol and drug counselor on staff at Lawyers Concerned
for Lawyers of Massachusetts, where he and his colleagues provide
confidential consultation to lawyers and law students, and offer
presentations on subjects related to the lives of lawyers. Q&A
questions are either actual letters/emails or paraphrased and
disguised concerns expressed by individuals seeking LCL's
assistance.