Q. My husband is a fairly successful 60-year-old attorney
who has been smoking marijuana since he was in college. Though you
hear that this drug often reduces motivation, it did not prevent
him from attaining a partnership position at a fine law firm. He
used it only on weekends until the last few years, but now it's
multiple times per day, both alone and with some of his old boomer
buddies.
I don't really mind if he is stoned when working in our garden or
playing poker with his friends, but when with me he goes into
himself and becomes more distant from me, such that I feel alone in
the evenings, even though he is there. When we're in a social
situation (such as a recent multi-couple ski lodge event, or a
cruise we took in June), he becomes "adventurous," sometimes
leaving me wondering where he is, or flirting with other women, or
boring people with long, self-involved tales -- all things he
wouldn't do when not high.
Sometimes I think, "He's entitled to do what he wants at this age,
and it isn't so bad." Other times, I get angry, resenting that I
have a different husband from the one I signed on for, and I worry
that in some way, his drug use will undermine his career and our
plans. Do I consider him addicted or just enjoying
himself?
A. Marijuana, like no other substance, tends to create these
situations of vagueness and ambiguity, partly because the negative
consequences of use are usually so much less tangible and
frightening than they are for, say, alcohol, cocaine or heroin.
Negative consequences are not only a key part of a diagnosis of
substance dependence, but are the primary source of motivation for
change.
Now that possession of less than an ounce does not carry criminal
penalties in Massachusetts, even potential legal effects are less
negative. Because of the fuzziness of this picture, daily users may
be less likely to see a problem, and often their family members may
find themselves in the position of uncertainty that you
describe.
It sounds as if there is at least one problematic consequence of
your husband's relationship with marijuana - it has diminished your
experience of closeness and connection in the marriage. It also
sounds as if it exacerbates a tendency toward narcissistic
behaviors with others, such as those you describe in social
situations.
The impact of his marijuana use on the quality of his legal work
during recent years is an unknown, and might be less noticeable at
his stage of career than if he were a young associate. Some studies
suggest that the weakening of memory and new learning that we all
may face with aging is exacerbated by chronic exposure to THC, the
active ingredient in marijuana. Older adults (even though we do
understand that "60 is the new 40") may also be concerned about
potential effects on cardiovascular, respiratory and immunologic
systems (although research in these areas is not yet considered
conclusive.)
In seeking whether to consider someone "addicted," in addition to
the issue of continued use despite negative consequences, other
questions to ask would be:
- How central (consuming of time, energy, etc) has this behavior
become in the person's life with a corresponding reduction in other
interests?
- How able is he to sustain limited substance without creeping
back up to increased amount and frequency?
- How comfortably can he function without the substance?
Ultimately, your task is to assess your own feelings
and needs, decide what you can live with (including your husband's
apparent unconcern with the impact of his marijuana use on you),
and consider what your life would be like if you separated from
him. (Although the prospect of separation may grab his attention,
threatening or commencing separation as a ploy to influence him is
rarely helpful in the long run; it should only be raised if you are
serious about it for your own reasons.)
While no one can give you a simple answer to your dilemma, there
are counselors and support groups that may be helpful in reaching
your own conclusions. You might begin the process by coming in to
discuss the situation in more detail with one of the LCL clinicians
(as always, with confidentiality and at no cost).
Questions quoted are either actual letters/e-mails or
paraphrased and disguised concerns expressed by individuals seeking
assistance from Lawyers Concerned for Lawyers.
Questions for LCL
may be mailed to LCL, 31 Milk St., Suite 810, Boston, MA 02109; or called in to (617) 482-9600.
LCL's licensed clinicians will respond in confidence.